The Jeremy Kyle Show (ITV1 weekdays)

The Jeremy Kyle show is Britain’s budget answer to Jerry Springer. Each show comprises a variety of toothless, alcoholic, drug taking, unemployed, violent, swearing, shell suit wearing chavs, and yes, shell suits went out in the 80s. There appears to be an endless stream of these individuals in the UK as he never runs out of guests and they all look the same, but that’s inbreeding for you. I cant believe that so many of these folk exist naturally. There must be some sort of FUBAR factory manufacturing them from the bits left over from other peoples plastic surgery. Obviously no brain is required so they must just implant some sort of remote controlled turnip to stop the head wobbling about like a possessed metronome.

Graham is the shows Director of Aftercare, responsible for attempting to transform the dysfunctional screwed up guests into relatively normal people. At some point during every programme he is wheeled out to attempt to persuade the nefarious shit-for-brains’ with anger management issues to calm down and take a course, and is introduced by the screaming Kyle, ‘Here’s Graham ladies and gentlemen, he’s a genius’. I’m wondering whether Genius is in fact on his official job description. No wonder he’s been there since the year dot, I don’t recall too many adverts for a Genius whenever I’ve wandered into the local job centre. Must also be a bit of a conversation killer at parties, ‘What do you do?’, ‘I’m a Genius’. Right.

There are only 4 main subjects for this show:

1. Paranoid drug taking chav accuses partner of sleeping around, they get a lie detector test done and make 2 shows out of it.

2. Parent abandoned child as a baby/toddler, child grows up and wants answers from absent parent, they get a lie detector test done and make 2 shows out of it.

3. Retarded slapper doesn’t know who the father of her chavvy baby is so all prospective dole ravaged fathers are invited onto the show, they get a lie detector and a paternity test done and make 2 shows out of it.

4. Chav families don’t get on with each other and accuse various special needs relatives of stealing/violence/abuse/lying, they get a lie detector test done and make 2 shows out of it.

The most irritating person in the whole show though is Mr Moral Majority Kyle, who appears to have styled himself as cross between Ian Paisley, Henry VIII and Jesus. He trots out exactly the same lines on a daily basis berating guests for not having a job/too many children/drinking/smoking weed, whilst turning redder than Phil Mitchell trapped in an upstairs bedroom at Windsor Castle.

The climax of each segment has to be the results of the lie detector/paternity tests which usually reveals the main subject of the audiences finger pointing to be a liar or a tart, who subsequently denies everything. ‘Are you saying that the lie detector is wrong YES OR NO?’ shrieks Kyle, whipping the spectators into an ethical frenzy, as they perfect their impression of a group of seals clapping and barking for fish. He then proceeds to wave the offending test results under the dishonest scumbuckets nose as if it was the Treaty of Versailles yelling ‘You’re a LIAR sir/madam!!!’.

The show is rounded up after Kyle has belted out a stockpile of meaningless phrases such as ‘Keep it in your pants then‘ or ‘Be a man and hold your hands up’. What?? Still, as long as these ne’er-do-wells are on Kyles stage in a supervised surrounding, at least they’re not robbing my flat.