The Apprentice (BBC1 Wednesdays)

This weeks episode was the interview stage. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse had been reduced to three as Famine had dropped out, thinking that judging Genocide Idol downstairs with Satan and Fat Boy Morgan would be a light hearted alternative to revisiting the treachery displayed by some of the remaining Apprentice candidates. So, War, Pestilence and Death arrived as usual, but this time were joined by the lovely Karren Brady to harangue the contenders until they were verging on suicide.

After the showing of the BBC special, The Apprentice has Sob Stories, we now know that Lee ‘thaswarramtawkinabaaaht’ McQueen has the vocabulary of chipmunk that’s been hit on the head by a very heavy mallet, didn’t do particularly well at school, and is on the brink of blubbering like John Terry after missing a penalty in the Champions League final every time he has to admit his dad was a milkman. Come on its not as if his dad was employed by World of Thieves, or as its more commonly known, The Post Office, now is it? Hell, that would be shameful.

His reverse pterodactyl impression is now infamous, and Lee was happy to open the dialogue with horseman number one, Pestilence, and provide a rendition upon request in his first interview. What the knobbing bollocks is a reverse pterodactyl anyway? An impression is an imitation of something, and how you can impersonate something that never existed is more a question for Stephen Hawking than a special needs caveman from Middlesex.

More misery was heaped on him as he was chastised by Horseman number two for spelling less competently than a blindfolded Jade Goody and lying, when it was discovered he had doctored his CV. This is ironic as in real life Lee ‘thaswarramtawkinabaaaht’ McQueen is actually a recruitment consultant.

Next up was Claire Young, who if after the show is unable to find employment, could always sport her white dressing gown and become the human stand in for the Michelin man. Quite what has happened to Claire’s walk has yet to be fathomed, but she seems to have developed a waddle that wasn’t there at the beginning of the series and she can’t have put on weight due to the activity and stress of the show. I can only presume that she reached her boredom threshold after her incessant bitching and griping was swiftly curtailed by Sir Alan, and has resorted to shoving a couple of love eggs up there to try and make up for the lack of endorphins normally released by her brain as she backstabbed someone. She appeared to have the easiest ride in the interviews and emerged relatively unscathed by the three horsemen.

Being the nicest of the contenders, Lucinda, played by Lady Penelope from Thunderbirds, was doomed to the most abrasive of the interview sessions. Deemed an unemployable new age hippy with a posh accent and a penchant for candles, she fought back bravely but it became obvious that even International Rescue would not be able to save her from the chop.

Helene Speight, who describes herself as a ballsy northern businesswoman, left her job poisoning Snow White, and trotted out a trite sob story about alcoholic parents and a poor childhood. Jesus, if I was related to her Id have overdosed on heroin years ago. Spewing out more profanities than a Liverpool docker, Helene completed her interview by stating she had found the tasks difficult as she was not used to being surrounded by fifteen gobshites.

I saved writing about weasel featured Alex ‘I’m 24’ Wotherspoon until last, as even the mention of this unctuous and duplicitous little turd makes me want to hurl chunks. He has to be the most hideous of the remaining hopefuls, a petulant pseudo working class northerner with the ability to spit venom out of his eyes and coat enemies in a healthy covering of hate phlegm each time he opens his dull, pinched, unscrupulous mouth. Rat Kids sob story was that he had to move house once and spent 14 years at public school. Maybe that’s why he is such a bitter and twisted little scrote. Spending 14 years fagging and toasting the older boys’ fine buttered muffins over an open fire must have taken its toll.

Despite being born and bred in Bolton, Rat Kid listed one of his ‘Advanced’ skills (of which there were many), as being fluent in English. Genius. After being told that his CV was about as interesting as sitting through a Catholic wedding, Alex looked like a fish constantly calling for Bob and dried a crocodile tear from the corner of his squinty reptilian eyes. He became increasingly more aggressive as the interviews continued, and answered every question by saying that he was 24, which is particularly strange seeing that his website, www.alexwotherspoon.com states he was born in 1982.

After the three horsemen and the wonderful Ms Brady delivered their ridiculous and highly dubious verdicts on the candidates, Sir Alan called them back into the boardroom to hear their fate. Sensing that he was about to get the finger from Sir Alan, Rat Kid leapt into a spectacular display of twattishness by announcing that Lucinda had told them all that she didn’t want Sir Alan’s poxy job anyway as it would drive her up the wall. One of the Bitches of Eastwick, Helene jumped at the chance to twist the knife declaring that they all heard her say that. Which in fact she didn’t. Still, when did truth, honesty and integrity matter in the Apprentice. However, that was enough for Sir Alan who duly fired Lady Penelope, declaring her too zany for his organisation, and let the four remaining wankers stay for the final.

Sir Alan Sugar has lost all credibility in this season of the Apprentice having transformed himself into a rough East Landan version of Harry Enfield’s Tim Nice But Dim, waxing lyrical about the candidates being bladdy nice folk and extremely credible, highly skilled prospective employees. No, they’re not Sir Alan they’re devious pricks, you monkey faced Neolithic knobdrop.