Britains Got (No) Talent (ITV1 Saturdays)

It has been said that a society can accurately be judged by the way it treats its most vulnerable members, such as the poor, the elderly and the mentally ill. In the good ole US of A for example, schizophrenics on trial are allowed to conduct their own defence, one guy even claiming the inability to die but foretelling his invevitable transformation into a giant tortoise which would then reign supreme over the universe. He was then prompty shunted off to death row to be executed.

In Britain we adopt a far more liberal approach to the mentally disturbed by allowing them on to 'talent' shows so that they can fully embarrass themselves and become national laughing stocks. In fact theres a positive glut of these type of programme infesting our TV stations such as, How do you solve a problem like Maria, Which bastard will be Joseph, Id do anything to be a Nancy, Twat Factor, Futile Academy, Britains Next Top Pillock, etc how many more for crying out loud?? After Pap Idol, we had Yank Idol and World Idol, and I believe Cowell is looking at introducing a show called Ultimate Plank, although it would be a close run thing whether Piers Morgan or himself actually emerged triumphant over that one. Still whatever keeps the cash rolling in eh? And while Im at it Simon, thanks a bunch for the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers and Sinitta. A man more bereft of taste I have yet to meet.

And so I turn my attention to Britains Got Talent, possibly one of the biggest oxymorons to emerge in recent years. Presided over by the judges, Simon 'guys 3 yesses' Cowell, Amanda Holden and Piers Morgan (what the hell?) each idiot, sorry contestant, stumbles on to the stage and performs something utterly cringe inducing until the panel have had enough and belt the buzzer so hard you think that the 4 minute warning has just been announced. Quite why Holden and Morgan were enlisted to consider the merits of the nations talent is beyond me. The former appears to have had so much botox she is practically unable to register any facial expressions (a bit like her acting) whereas Fat Boy Morgan is best known for getting sacked from the Daily Mirror, and of course, for being a total arsewipe and part time sycophant.

Over the last few weeks on Britains Got Talent there have been a barrage of untalented numpties ranging from a 70 year old pensioner lying on a bed of nails and then smacking her assistant on the back with a breeze block, to a guy who's impressions were undistinguishable from his own voice. In fact since the series started they have only found 3 real contenders for the title, the Michael Jackson act,(which is my favourite), the bullied schoolboy who sang Pie Jesu and the adorable talented dog, Gin.

Perhaps there should be one dedicated channel for shows like Britains Got Talent so that the rest of us dont have to suffer the anguish of seeing another twee child singing something cutesy. Actually the smarmy, precocious, warbling vomitfests of oh-arent-I-delightful-just-because-Im-under-8 acts should be banned outright. Just piss off until you've morphed into a proper human being for christs sake.