‘Tonight, Belgrade is the capital of joy and happiness, welcome to the Belgrade’ grinned a vacuous blonde who was about as in touch with reality as Boris Johnson is with telling the truth. Having been able to predict the results with an 80% success rate, it must now surely be time to rename this competition that taste forgot, the Eastern Eurovision Song Contest. This year, the powers that be saw fit to allow Azerbaijan to take part, although it is clearly in Asia and borders Iran, so next year presumably, we will be treated to entries from Iraq, Pakistan and Mongolia as well. Azerbaijan offered the visual Angel/Devil dichotomy and opened with a cherub in white screeching so painfully it sounded like he had trapped his cock in a filing cabinet. The long haired red eyed monster in black joined in a bit later, and provided a fecking awful assault on the ears that was bound to do well. But probably not because it was geographically close to Russia. Honest.
Perhaps the most ridiculous performance came from Bosnia Herzegovina, with Magenta from the Rocky Horror Picture Show wearing a comedy white bell covered in red Bubonic Plague boils, fart-arsing around a washing line. Lovely. She was joined by the Bosnian equivalent of Little Jimmy Krankie and the backing singers were the spitting images of Dame Edna’s bridesmaid, Madge. Obviously the song was shit.
Other notable wank entries came from Latvia, Turkey, Sweden and Portugal. The Latvian song was not dissimilar to the Not the Nine O’clock News team’s pisstake rendition, Nice video, shame about the song, and comprised a group of fat comedy Prince Charming/Pirates of the Caribbean hybrids, belting out the imaginatively entitled ‘Wolves of the Sea’. Turkey had a stab at gothic rock, the lead singer looking like a shiny faced adult Damien from the Omen, who was flanked by a couple of over enthusiastic guitarists. The one on the right was spinning and twirling like a demented Jon Bon Jovi wannabe, whilst the other looked as he’d been dragged away from the water cooler at the Turkish equivalent of Norwich Union, as a last minute stand in.
Sweden’s singer looked like a slightly younger Jocelyn Wildenstein, whereas Portugal provided us with a plus sized version of Boney M. All I have to say to Portugal is, thank you very much for Cristiano Ronaldo, but it appears that that’s your country drained of talent.
Andy Abrahams ‘Even If’ was doomed to last place, after Terry Wogan announced ‘That’s our best entry for years’. Sounding like an Edwin Starr/Stevie Wonder concoction after eating a large helping of valium and zopiclone hotpot, Andy enthusiastically leapt around the stage like a salmon swimming upstream to mate. After a brief ejaculation of energy, both Andy and the fish were destined to endure exactly the same fate.
It is rather ironic now that most countries are singing their entries in English, rather than their own languages. This appears to be a double edged sword. Is it some sort of cursory consolation, as it’s more likely that George W Bush will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize than the UK ever winning the contest ever again, but at least we can hear how bloody horrendous every other country’s lyrics actually are?
Russia emerged triumphant, with an instantly forgettable performance from a third rate Slavic Westlife, after promising not to invade all the countries it borders. Probably. Perhaps it’s now time for the UK to withdraw permanently from Eurovision, as we have as much chance of getting 12 points from France, as Heather Mills has of developing some dignity.
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2 comments:
Well i never watched it , and have not watched it for years, it was predictable 10 years ago , so i can imagine what its like now. In my oppinion a compleat waste of time, music that sucks and bands that a even worse. Enjoyed reading your article, it was witty and discriptive, made me feel like i was almost there ! . Ruud
Hey Ruud thanks for the comment, I do agree with you about the contest, it does seem to be a bit of a waste of time now and Im with you 100% on the music, bloody awful!!
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