Big Brother (Channel 4, every night for ever and ever)

Another series of Big Brother has begun and yet again the contestants have been chosen by the producers ABC of stereotyping book.

Vacuous bimbo? Check. This year its Stephanie a pretty blonde Abby Clancy wannabe from Liverpool. Previous fillers of this vacancy include Imogen and Helen. Obviously the director didn’t want to be seen as the xenophobic equivalent of Anne Robinson, so this time its an English airhead.

Smug superficial twat? Check. Two years ago it was Sezer, this year its 21 year old arrogant Dale who would rather cut his own cock off than speak to an ugly person. Happy to stab anyone in the back for half a cucumber, this guy must spend most of his time staring in the mirror and licking his own eyebrows.

Potential female black hate figure? Check. In the past we have suffered the revolting Adele, and last year the imbecilic, narcissistic Charley. This years candidates are Alexandra, a 23 year old single mum who measures her success by the fact that she has two cars, whoopee doo, and then there’s Sylvia, a practicing Christian who believes in revenge and has a sharp tongue. Not into turning the other cheek then.

Young boy with no life experience? Check. A couple of years ago it was Glyn, who appeared to have spent his pre big Brother life locked in a cupboard. This year its non drinking non smoking non swearing Luke. Luke seems to be just as sheltered, as never having owned a mirror he thinks he looks like Justin Timberlake.

Cocky testosterone fuelled knobcheese? Check. Maxwell, Spencer, PJ, et al before him, but this year we have Rex, an executive chef who has taken pictures of himself into the house.

Annoying screaming cow you want to kill on sight? Check. Shabnam has now morphed into Vicky Pollard speakalike Rebecca who apart from saying hello, screeched for the entire duration of the launch programme. Hopefully the first one out.

Token gay man? Check. Following in the footsteps of Dan, Richard, Seany, Gerry, Derek and Marco, lets hope that Dennis, a 23 year old dancer from Scotland proves to be half as entertaining as his predecessors.

Housemate with disability? Check. Spurred on by the success of Tourettes sufferer Pete Bennett, this year we have 33 year old Scots radio producer Mikey, who happens to be blind and likes wearing women’s stockings. What’s the betting that he’s never nominated?

Immigrant contestant? Check. The secret love child of Randy Jackson and Lauren Hill, Mohamed fills the role previously vacated by Ahmed and Makosi.

Bubbly loon? Check. This year its human cookie monster Kathreya from Thailand. Contestants in the past have been bubbly, such as Alison Hammond, or lunatics like Shabaz. In a clever twist, or the producers moved on to Book 2 of the stereotyping manuals, they have combined the two.

Pretty model type? Check. Cheryl Cole lookalike Jennifer replaces Aisleyne, Sam, Vanessa, Chanelle etc, and claims to be outspoken, particularly hating immigrants. Well, I guess if she doesn’t gain a media career post BB, she could always join the BNP.

This years wild cards have to be Rachel, Darnell (pronounced Daniel or Donald by the attention deficit retards who are too busy screeching and arse licking to pay proper attention), and Mario and Lisa, the first couple to enter the BB house.