Take one pompous smug wannabe paternalistic do gooder who feels guilty about having too much dosh, and add in a selection of sad, downtrodden, poor, disabled folk living on Shit Street. Mix with a few cash poor charitable souls, whos hearts are a trillion times more wealthy than Fat Cats bank account and hey presto, a patronising sloppy concoction guaranteed to make any decent human hurl all over their TV screens.
The premise of this 30 minute bag of flatulence is that a millionaire goes undercover in a poor community somewhere in the UK, lies and says theyre making a documentary about volunteering, and then proceeds to judge all the individuals they meet to decide if theyre worthy enough to receive some crumbs from his money table.
Two weeks ago, a loan shark guy who made squillions from ripping off poor people went to Manchester. On receiving his job seekers allowance, he tutted '80 quid? Id spend that on lunch', making him instantly detestable. I had to restrain myself from stabbing the set repeatedly with a breadknife in the vain hope that somehow Id get him in the eye. This week, some fat chump with 3 billion quids worth of property went to Glasgow where he cleaned out some toilets, a horses knob (grotesque viewing, Im still chucking up even now) and took some cat shit out of a bearded womans flat.
At the end of the programme, after living amongst the less fortunate, these tosspot millionaires reveal their true identity, telling those that they have deceived for the last week, that they are indeed uber priviledged, money to burn blockheads whose stone heart has been warmed by the plight and destitution they have just witnessed. Now I dont know if Channel 4 have told the participants to leave a pause longer than the bloody M1 before answering 'are you having a laugh', but the silence is excrutiatingly embarrassing.
The millionaire then proceeds to hand over a cheque, usually for between 10 and 50 grand, and the poverty stricken folk collapse in a heap of tears, hug the liar and thank him profusely. Sorry but 10 grand? Thats like me giving less than 1p to a homeless guy. The tight bastards.
Wednesday, 20 August 2008
Saturday, 16 August 2008
X Factor, ITV1 Saturdays
Yay!! The X Factor is starting a new series tonight, fabulous!! The early stages are always the most interesting where a collection of boneheads, inbreds and delusional folk from the planet arsehole congregate in front of Simon Cowell et al to receive a fine selection of pastings. Either that or a collection of giggles and guffaws from the panel.
Lets hope that this year the public dont fall for any contestants sob stories. Im poor/someone died/the roof is caving in on my house/I only have one foot and a speech impediment but I sing like an angel. Sorry Ive heard it all before, everyone has tough times, this is a talent show not a telethon.
Also could the good people of Wales and Scotland not back performers who have less talent and personality than Rachel from Big Brother just because they hail from your country? I thank you.
This year unfortunately, the lovely Sharon Osbourne wont be a judge, which is particularly disappointing for me as she was my favourite. Eternally unpredictable she outshone the childish twitterings of Louis Walsh and the formulaic Simon 'thats the worst version I ever heard' Cowell. Quite frankly he must have heard so many bad renditions of the same songs it must be incredibly difficult to remember all the cacophonous chunderings proferred by the hopefuls over the years.
With all his squillions earnt from inflicting classics like the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers and Sinitta on the British public, you would think that Cowell would be able to do something about his bloody hair. It really does look like a brillo pad thats undergone topiary, and for crying out loud flat tops went out in the 80s. Sort it out mate and buy some conditioner. Either that or get round to my flat as I need to scrub some burnt stuff of the bottom of one of my pans.
There are 4 judges this year, Simon, Louis, Dannii Minogue, and newcomer Cheryl Cole. Lets hope she is able to keep her mind on the job rather than wondering how many tarts her husband may be shagging whilst she is touring the country judging people who are uglier, and probably smellier than a monkeys sweaty armpit.
Lets hope that this year the public dont fall for any contestants sob stories. Im poor/someone died/the roof is caving in on my house/I only have one foot and a speech impediment but I sing like an angel. Sorry Ive heard it all before, everyone has tough times, this is a talent show not a telethon.
Also could the good people of Wales and Scotland not back performers who have less talent and personality than Rachel from Big Brother just because they hail from your country? I thank you.
This year unfortunately, the lovely Sharon Osbourne wont be a judge, which is particularly disappointing for me as she was my favourite. Eternally unpredictable she outshone the childish twitterings of Louis Walsh and the formulaic Simon 'thats the worst version I ever heard' Cowell. Quite frankly he must have heard so many bad renditions of the same songs it must be incredibly difficult to remember all the cacophonous chunderings proferred by the hopefuls over the years.
With all his squillions earnt from inflicting classics like the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers and Sinitta on the British public, you would think that Cowell would be able to do something about his bloody hair. It really does look like a brillo pad thats undergone topiary, and for crying out loud flat tops went out in the 80s. Sort it out mate and buy some conditioner. Either that or get round to my flat as I need to scrub some burnt stuff of the bottom of one of my pans.
There are 4 judges this year, Simon, Louis, Dannii Minogue, and newcomer Cheryl Cole. Lets hope she is able to keep her mind on the job rather than wondering how many tarts her husband may be shagging whilst she is touring the country judging people who are uglier, and probably smellier than a monkeys sweaty armpit.
Friday, 15 August 2008
Big Brother, Channel 4 nightly
Is this the most boring Big Brother since BB4? I have to admit Ive let this blog slip a bit recently as Ive been busy with other projects but seriously, this series is a cure for anyones insomnia. Last years Big Brother wasnt much better with the vacuous twins and bed wetting Brian, I still cant believe he won.
Anyway, whos left? Rachel, oh god do me a bloody favour she has to be the dullest person ever to grace the small screen, even outstripping some of the bland numpties from previous series. Miss Nicey Ricey was recently attacked by Rex Nomark for being tedious as he shouted 'Id swap you for scrabble'. Sorry Rex but I take offence at that, scrabble can be good fun and quite interesting, words I wouldnt be using to describle Ms Nice. She is up for eviction this week, please please vote her out for the sake of my sanity.
Next, the human vacuum cleaner, otherwise known as Mohammed. All he does is sleep and suck up the weeks shopping in a couple of sittings. Yawn. I wonder if he changed the setting from suck to blow, everything would come out neatly packaged and ready to be stacked again in the kitchen cupboards. Maybe if you cut him open you would find Jonah in his stomach. A reasonable enough guy but sadly a bore.
Why does Sarah the Aussie sound as if she has a sore throat but is yodelling every time she speaks? OI NOI! Perhaps shes perfecting her Jimmy Savile impressions by secretly working it into her every day speech. Theres also a rumour on the net that she gave eyeliner wearing ennuifest Stu a blow job. Still wouldnt have livened up the show if it were true. I cant talk about Stu, it will send me into a coma.
Poor albino Darnell is drowning in his own self induced misery shitpool. Constantly whining about his lack of self esteem and inability to get a girlfriend, each time he surfaces for air he manages to crap on his own head and submerge himself further. Perhaps he should take some of the drugs he was dealing and lighten up. Oh sorry he cant. Hes an albino.
Rex Nomark the executive chef split most of his Big Brother time trying to annoy the other houesmates or was whining about his girlfriend. In a very unimaginitive 'twist' Channel 4 then put his girlfriend into the house, and now he spends 50% of time moaning that Nicole is in there with him, and the other 50% pissing her off. Oh the irony.
Kathreya is still eating cookies and has a voice that could shatter glass when she is singing, if thats the word to describe her efforts. It sounds more like she stubbed her toe and sat on a pin whilst being smacked across the head with an iron bar, all at the same time.
The final two are Lisa and Mikey, who seem to be the best of a bad boring bland bucket of bollocks housemates. Mikeys theatrical shouty diary performances are reasonably entertaining if not a tad overdone. Its a bit like watching Madonna trying to act. Amusing in a twisted way.
Lisa, the human fembot is clearly insane, but out of all she is my favourite to win. Built like an Amazon warrior with the brain of a Broadmoor inmate, she is subtly bonkers talking about little green men from Mars, and how one of her body building friends discovered DNA. Guaranteed to give Steven Hawking a run for his money, she understands the subtle workings of the universe, explaining that it was calling Mario The Facilitator to better things when he got evicted. Um, no Lisa the public just didnt like him.
Anyway, whos left? Rachel, oh god do me a bloody favour she has to be the dullest person ever to grace the small screen, even outstripping some of the bland numpties from previous series. Miss Nicey Ricey was recently attacked by Rex Nomark for being tedious as he shouted 'Id swap you for scrabble'. Sorry Rex but I take offence at that, scrabble can be good fun and quite interesting, words I wouldnt be using to describle Ms Nice. She is up for eviction this week, please please vote her out for the sake of my sanity.
Next, the human vacuum cleaner, otherwise known as Mohammed. All he does is sleep and suck up the weeks shopping in a couple of sittings. Yawn. I wonder if he changed the setting from suck to blow, everything would come out neatly packaged and ready to be stacked again in the kitchen cupboards. Maybe if you cut him open you would find Jonah in his stomach. A reasonable enough guy but sadly a bore.
Why does Sarah the Aussie sound as if she has a sore throat but is yodelling every time she speaks? OI NOI! Perhaps shes perfecting her Jimmy Savile impressions by secretly working it into her every day speech. Theres also a rumour on the net that she gave eyeliner wearing ennuifest Stu a blow job. Still wouldnt have livened up the show if it were true. I cant talk about Stu, it will send me into a coma.
Poor albino Darnell is drowning in his own self induced misery shitpool. Constantly whining about his lack of self esteem and inability to get a girlfriend, each time he surfaces for air he manages to crap on his own head and submerge himself further. Perhaps he should take some of the drugs he was dealing and lighten up. Oh sorry he cant. Hes an albino.
Rex Nomark the executive chef split most of his Big Brother time trying to annoy the other houesmates or was whining about his girlfriend. In a very unimaginitive 'twist' Channel 4 then put his girlfriend into the house, and now he spends 50% of time moaning that Nicole is in there with him, and the other 50% pissing her off. Oh the irony.
Kathreya is still eating cookies and has a voice that could shatter glass when she is singing, if thats the word to describe her efforts. It sounds more like she stubbed her toe and sat on a pin whilst being smacked across the head with an iron bar, all at the same time.
The final two are Lisa and Mikey, who seem to be the best of a bad boring bland bucket of bollocks housemates. Mikeys theatrical shouty diary performances are reasonably entertaining if not a tad overdone. Its a bit like watching Madonna trying to act. Amusing in a twisted way.
Lisa, the human fembot is clearly insane, but out of all she is my favourite to win. Built like an Amazon warrior with the brain of a Broadmoor inmate, she is subtly bonkers talking about little green men from Mars, and how one of her body building friends discovered DNA. Guaranteed to give Steven Hawking a run for his money, she understands the subtle workings of the universe, explaining that it was calling Mario The Facilitator to better things when he got evicted. Um, no Lisa the public just didnt like him.
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