X Factor, ITV1 Saturdays

Yay!! The X Factor is starting a new series tonight, fabulous!! The early stages are always the most interesting where a collection of boneheads, inbreds and delusional folk from the planet arsehole congregate in front of Simon Cowell et al to receive a fine selection of pastings. Either that or a collection of giggles and guffaws from the panel.

Lets hope that this year the public dont fall for any contestants sob stories. Im poor/someone died/the roof is caving in on my house/I only have one foot and a speech impediment but I sing like an angel. Sorry Ive heard it all before, everyone has tough times, this is a talent show not a telethon.

Also could the good people of Wales and Scotland not back performers who have less talent and personality than Rachel from Big Brother just because they hail from your country? I thank you.

This year unfortunately, the lovely Sharon Osbourne wont be a judge, which is particularly disappointing for me as she was my favourite. Eternally unpredictable she outshone the childish twitterings of Louis Walsh and the formulaic Simon 'thats the worst version I ever heard' Cowell. Quite frankly he must have heard so many bad renditions of the same songs it must be incredibly difficult to remember all the cacophonous chunderings proferred by the hopefuls over the years.

With all his squillions earnt from inflicting classics like the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers and Sinitta on the British public, you would think that Cowell would be able to do something about his bloody hair. It really does look like a brillo pad thats undergone topiary, and for crying out loud flat tops went out in the 80s. Sort it out mate and buy some conditioner. Either that or get round to my flat as I need to scrub some burnt stuff of the bottom of one of my pans.

There are 4 judges this year, Simon, Louis, Dannii Minogue, and newcomer Cheryl Cole. Lets hope she is able to keep her mind on the job rather than wondering how many tarts her husband may be shagging whilst she is touring the country judging people who are uglier, and probably smellier than a monkeys sweaty armpit.