After the superb 4-1 win over Croatia, I settled down to watch the match v Kazakhstan yesterday, full of optimism and hoping for a repeat performance of that almost stylish, free flowing football and seeing our lads working as a proper team. What I was hoping to see actually bore no resemblance to the piss poor game that actually appeared on my tv screen. In the first half, England looked slightly less cohesive than the twin towers stuck back together with a Pritt stick.
What was Fabio Cappello thinking when selecting his side of utter donkeys? Matthew Upson for gods sake? I am absolutely positive that Julian Clary would have turned in a more solid performance. Upson must have thought he was playing for the rugby team (or maybe the Harlem Globe trotters) as he appeared to attempt to head or kick the ball over the goal and out of the stadium through the roof at every possible opportunity. The fecking idiot. And while Im at it maybe someone would like to have a word in Emile Heskeys shell-like and inform him its a better idea to kick the ball past the defenders rather than into them. Its not as if hes the bionic man and the sheer force of his kick would send the opposing player + ball right into the back of the net now is it?
Does anyone else think Fabio Cappello looks like Tommy Cooper? Look lads, I want you to play just like that......... Ok, either him or Postman Pat then, I cant decide. Or Velma from Scooby Doo. Or one of the muppets. No sorry that would be the England team. Heres a tip for you mate, next time play Rio and Theo and 9 buckets of shit on wheels. The buckets of shit will be better value in terms of money and performance I can assure you.
The second half was a different story and England did manage to score 5 goals, however, lets remember we werent playing Brazil, but 11 part time goatherding Borats. The teams obviously liked eachother though as they scored a goal for us and then Ashley Cole kindly returned the favour by floating a wonderful cross right past David James and letting one of the Borats tap it in. Beautiful. What next, swapping summer houses? I was quite impressed with Kazakhstans goalkeeper though, particularly in the way that he sported his Pat Sharpe Appreciation Mullet, very nice indeed.
ITV's coverage of the whole event was absolutely cringe inducing, mainly because of the incessant ad breaks and skin crawling commentary from David Pleat and Clive Tyldsley. To be honest David Platt and Ivy Tilsey from Coronation Street would have provided a more comprehensive and coherent interpretation of the match. At one point Emile Heskey missed the goal, SHOCKER, and divvy Dave said, dont worry he missed that! Err, hello? You do know that he was supposed to score right? Dopey shitclowns.
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