Well its that time of year again and the annual zelebrity desperado’s have been duly catapulted into the Australian jungle to poorly re-enact their own version of Lord of the Flies. This years collection of hideous self promoters include former London Mayoral candidate and gay ex copper Brian Paddick, Mr Sulu from Star Trek, a page 3 girl and WAG that no one had heard of, and some boring twonk that used to be in the ever dreary boy band Blue. They are joined by ex Eastender Joe Swash, 9 times Wimbledon winner Martina Navratilova and ex half of Dollar, David Van Day, who has had so much plastic surgery he now resembles Michael Myers from the Halloween films.
Doomed to a fortnight of munching kangaroo testicles and crocodile anuses whilst being covered in more ticks than you would find in a the collective worlds tramps pants, the zelebs sit and bitch around an open fire letting spiders crawl through their hair whilst they sleep. Nice. Do the zelebs really expect us to believe that they are on this show because they are trying to conquer their fears? Im thinking cognitive behavioural therapy would be lot less costly in terms of embarrassment. But of course theyre not doing it for that reason.
Robert ‘Failed MP’ Kilroy Silk was sick of getting buckets of slurry chucked over him and both Timmy ‘Itsy bitsy teeny weeny annoying little scrotey penis’ Mallett and Esther ‘Gnashers’ Rantzen havent presented anything for years. It is enthralling however, to watch them and discover what utter toss bags these people really are.
Take Brian Paddick. Please. To call this guy insipid would be an insult to Dannii Minogue. Just a word of advice here mate, waving your tackle about in the jungle will not make you more appear more interesting or remotely edgy. Ive seen Handy Andy talk to more exciting pieces of MDF on Changing Rooms. Ex copper, ex Mayoral candidate, and by the end of this hopefully ex celebrity. He does look good for 50 though.
Especially when you compare him to Michael Myers lookalike David Van Day who is the same age. Ex singer, ex burger flipper and even worse (could it be any worse) ex Tory candidate, may I just give my wholehearted congratulations to the very discerning and intelligent people of Brighton for not electing that self serving shitclown. You would think that he would get sick of being voted off reality shows for being a total fucknut but obviously the guy is a glutton for punishment. Being scared of water, the dark and certain failure does not give him the right to behave like a coked up Josef Goebbels on a Centre Parks mini break.
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